i yearn to express how i feel and as soon as you have a chance everything seems foolish typing it out, so i’m hope this will help to get my feelings and general self in order again.

a boy i’ve been lusting over for the past two year and having a foolish on off relationship has found someone. And I know i can’t wait for him to finish with her so we can continue but it awful I always thought we might end up together and he doesn’t want that, we will never be she and him. 

so this awful loneliness is making my contemplate getting back with an ex, he always treated me well but there’s no spark its just alright and i you need but, but is it better than spending endless nights alone feeling unloved?

which has led to my pessimistic spiral of emotions and contemplating taking my tablets again. i don’t want to, i really don’t, i was to function like everyone else but i don’t think i was meant to be a happy person. i was made to be a faller. that person who just doesn’t quite make it so why, why am i trying to stop it happen. i don’t want to keep fighting anymore, im tired. 

i can’t tell my mum because she’ll think i’m getting bad again, i can’t tell helena because she was so proud when i stopped, jacob my love doesn’t know what to do with me, im not his responsibility and sam doesn’t give a fuck. 

i just need someone, someone to fix me.